Ever since Olivia and I learned that 70,000 condoms wasn’t enough for the Sydney Olympic games and that the Olympic Village now orders 100,000 condoms, we seem unable to discuss little else. Mostly what this means is that we spend all of our time obsessively discussing how we are going to sneak our way in to the Olympic Village.
Before you go judging me, just remember we are talking about Olympic-caliber sex, people!
As one athlete from the article put it, “even if their face is a 7, their body is a 20.”
At first we thought we would take the traditional approach and become Olympians ourselves. After a thorough brainstorming session (ten minutes) we concluded that our height gives us two ways in: through the basketball court or through the beach. Since dribbling a basketball is a concept that is entirely lost on me but I have been known to spike a volleyball or two in my life time, we decided beach volleyball was the way to go.
Thus, we present to you Misty May Treanor and Kerri Walsh 2.0! Coming to an Olympic games near you in 2016!
I mean, it is the most brilliant plan, right? Well, except, there is one teeny tiny problem:
This fine, outstanding gentleman will be at the 2012 games and we just don’t want to risk missing out. I’m sure you understand.
This led us to Plan B:
Step One: Find two free flights to London by Friday.
Step Two: Sneak in to the locker rooms at the Olympic pool.
Step four: Use our charm to get in to the Olympic Village (By the way, if “charm” were an Olympic event we wouldn’t have to be resorting to Plan B, I’m just sayin’ (okay, now you can judge me)).
Clearly Plan B is in the early development stages. If any of you could help me out with steps 1-3 I’ll try to bring you back some Official Condoms of the Olympic Games.
So yeah, this absurd number of condoms being used by thousands of Olympic athletes in the span of about 16 days pretty much consumes 80% of my brain function at all times. And because it is all I can think about, I had this thought today:
If there are about 10,000 athletes competing at the Olympic games that would mean that each of them goes through about 100 condoms each. But since they are all sleeping WITH EACH OTHER that is just straight-up crazytown, right? Even for an athlete.
Don’t worry, about three seconds after I sent that enlightening text to Olivia, I realized the severe error in my math and readjusted the number to the accurate 10 condoms per athlete. Which, once you’ve started thinking about 100 condoms per athlete, “only” ten condoms per athlete is the world’s biggest disappointment.
Clearly Olivia agreed because she responded with, “I bet you and I could get Ricky Berens and Ryan Lochte to go through more than 10 each.” To which I say, HI MOM.
Then we realized we forgot to take in to account the athletes from more conservative countries that probably won’t engage in the crazy sexcapading of the Olympic Village. We also decided to take married and relationship-committed athletes out of the equation since non-athletes are not allowed in the Olympic Village (besides us, OBVI) and we’re just gonna go ahead and assume no cheating will be going on (Sorry K Stew, you’re out! (Too soon? (Call me Rob!))). Based on our highly unscientific research and some borderline stereotypical assumptions for which I am certain I will be frolicking in Hell, we decided this knocked the number down to about 7,000 athletes dipping in to the condom supply.
Which now puts us at 15 condoms per athlete.
BUT THEN I struck gold when I learned that this year the Village’s condom supply has been increased to 150,000 FUCKING CONDOMS.
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?!
This means that on average each sexually active athlete is going through about 20 condoms. That just sounds so much better than ten, don’t you think?
And now you know how I spend the majority of my free time.
Now to find that free flight….