Today I found myself sitting at my kitchen table with a cup of tea cradled preciously in my hands as I stared at the rain falling against the window. Doesn’t that just sound terribly existential and entirely romantic? But also, it honestly could be that I have officially turned my life in to one giant eye-rolling cliche. Who knows. Either way, it is a definite sign that I’ve got my contemplative pants on.
As you probably know, I am currently at a point where there is a big, fat question mark hovering over my six-month-from-now life. I can see it there way off in the distance, quickly approaching and honestly it’s really starting to freak me the fuck out. Whenever people find out that I am going to be graduating at the end of this semester they get all excited and start asking me a million questions. They’re all like, “Ooooh! So what happens next? Are you going to stay in Utah? Have you thought about grad school? What about internships? What do you even do with a Biology degree? What is your life plan? Ameena, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE?!” And then I just feel like a real moron and I quietly whisper “I don’t know” while simultaneously trying to resist the urge to apologize for being a failure.
But that’s the thing – I know I’m not a failure. And I totally get that it’s okay to not have your shit figured out at the age of twenty-two. But that still doesn’t make it any less frustrating to not have a clue. Like, how can I have been alive for twenty-two years and have no clue? What have I been doing? And I know that I’ve written about this before, but I’m still struggling with it. I like plans. and lists. and security. Just writing this all out is making my palms sweaty and my left eye twitchy. In situations like this where I am overwhelmed by all the answers I don’t have, I like to look at what I do know and go from there.
what I want (at the moment):
I want to experience life without school for the first time in seventeen years. I want to celebrate and enjoy being in my twenties. I want to continue to grow mentally, physically, and spiritually.
I want to become a better writer. I want to start by living a life worth writing about. I want to use my positivity and passion for life to help others. I want to find a way to contribute more to the online community because of all that it has done for me.
I want to experience life living outside of Utah. I want to live in New York City and Boston and Chicago and San Diego and maybe even Los Angeles. I want a cozy little apartment in the sky. One with city streets for a backyard and mountainous skylines outside my bedroom window. A place to call my own. Where I am responsible for me; party of one.
I want to learn to be okay with solitude and to feel more comfortable in large groups. I want to be a better friend. To surround myself with like-minded, encouraging people and to stop wasting energy on people who break me down.
I want to keep travelling. I want to run twenty-six point two miles through Chicago and Athens and maybe even eventually Boston. I want to backpack Europe with Pham and Ashley so that we can celebrate our year of #castlesbeerandtattoos.
I want to develop a better relationship with food and my body; to stop shoving so much toxic nonsense down my throat. I want to learn to enjoy and savor what I eat. To take more steps toward an entirely plant-based diet; for both my own well-being and that of the planet. I want to become more environmentally aware and to teach others about the importance of conservation. I want to work for our oceans and forests.
I want to be the kind of girl who wears red lipstick, but who isn’t afraid to laugh at herself when it ends up all over her teeth. I want to be taken seriously as a woman who is a fan of sports. I want to eliminate self-doubt and spend more time dancing in my underwear.
I want to find intense, passionate love. The kind of love that radiates throughout my entire body. I want to find someone who shares my understanding that love isn’t perfect and who is willing to fight along side me to make it work.
I want to live a life unrestrained by my inhibitions and anxiety. To always remain honest to myself by spending less time trying to be someone I am not and more time perfecting the superstar that I am. And most importantly, above all, I never want to forget that happiness is the key to life.
Maybe next time somebody asks me what I want to do with my life I’ll start with all of that.