things that keep me up at night

five thoughts on a sunday

by ameena on March 10, 2013 · 1 comment

in Pop Culture, random musings, television

seattle view

// I bought a planner today. I never buy planners. All of my previous experiences with planners look like this:

1. Fill it with every thing I can possibly think of, ever.

2. Never touch it again.

Today I succeeded at step one with flying colors. If you were to take a look at my planner, you would think I lead the most exciting life it is that full (misleadingly so)! The jury is still out on step two, though. Also, when you buy a 2013 planner two months in to the year, they’re basically free. Pro tip.

// Okay so I am currently working my way through Breaking Bad and for the longest time I just wasn’t feeling it. But then I got to the end of season two and found myself crying and was like, “Oh okay. I guess I’m in this now.” Although, I was actually crying for a character with a four episode arc and I still really hate most of the characters. I know that the appeal of the show is in watching Walt become an increasingly more terrible human, but I feel like we’re also supposed to feel conflicted about his moral downfall because we empathize with him on some sort of level – and I just don’t. Like, obviously I am not morally aligned with anything that Dexter does, but from an early stage I developed an emotional connection with him that inherently makes me feel conflicted when I cheer for him to succeed. Even if his morals become increasingly questionable. But with Walt I just dislike him all around. I’m not cheering for him to succeed and I hate that the show thinks that I should be. Jesse as a character is growing on me, though. And I really feel like the show is about to hit its sweet spot, so I am certainly not about to throw in the towel. This is just where I am at so far. It took me a long time to get in to Mad Men, too so we shall see.

// I want to be really proud of myself for not eating any Cadbury Eggs so far this season, but really it is only because I have been too busy stuffing my face full of Savannah Smiles. I know that Thin Mints and Samoas are on the All-Star Team of Girl Scout cookies, but Savannah Smiles definitely deserve a shout-out. Holy shit they are so good.

// Yesterday while I was at work every single guest that stopped in made a comment about the weather. And you know, usually that means that the weather was really bad, but not in Seattle. Yesterday there wasn’t a cloud to be found in the sky and it was the prettiest day (see the above picture). Even though it was still a chilly 55 degrees, that didn’t stop Seattleites from stepping out in shorts and sweatshirts. It made my heart so happy. Well, until one of my coworkers made a comment about how summers are about 65 degrees. For someone who is used to 95 degree summers this is going to be an experience.

// I spent a really long time today researching the continents, because I don’t understand them at all. Listen, I know there are supposed to be seven, but I feel like this is maybe a lie. First of all, let’s talk about New Zealand. What continent is New Zealand supposed to be on? Logically it would make sense that New Zealand is part of Australia except wait isn’t Australia the continent that always brags about its status as an entire continent and country? Spoiler alert: yes it is. After asking Wikipedia what was up with this it was all blah blah New Zealand is part of a microcontinent and not a part of the continent Australia blah blah. And wait. What the fuck is a microcontinent??? I tried to do some research on them but then my head exploded. Sorry. Oh and then there’s the Middle East. Is the Middle East part of Asia? I feel weird calling Pakistan part of Asia. Also, at what point does Europe become Asia? Why do we call that middle region “Eurasia”?  What is a continent anyway? Just try and read this Wikipedia page without head explosions. I dare you. Basically this whole thing is really complicating my dream of visiting all seven continents. I lied when I said gifs keep me up at night, this keeps me up at night.

[update] Stevie just shared this YouTube video with me on the continents and it is now my everything. This is what I am saying, guys!

riddle me this

by ameena on March 9, 2013 · 2 comments

in random musings

You know what I don’t understand? Gifs. Now, I don’t mean that in the “I don’t understand their appeal” sort of sense, because I could spend an entire day reading #whatshouldwecallme and not get bored. But everything else about gifs? I don’t understand.

First of all, there’s this whole pronunciation thing. Every time I try to say the word, I alternate between the soft “G” and the hard “G” – just to cover all of my bases. And the thing is, I’m pretty no one else knows how to pronounce it, either. Even people who are well-versed in the internet seem to stumble over the stupid word. Would I be lying if I told you this has kept me up at night? Probably not.

But that’s not even the thing that stresses me out the most about gifs. The thing I don’t understand the most is how people make them. I mean, more than that. I don’t understand how people make them SO FAST. Let’s just take a look at the Oscars for example, I’m pretty sure Jennifer Lawrence was still giving her acceptance speech when the internet had already exploded with gifs of her fall. I mean, how? HOW DO THEY DO IT?? Come to think of it, I don’t even understand how gifs inherently work? How does one even make a gif? What is this sorcery?

Somebody hold me.

 

some random thoughts on a sunday morning

by ameena on April 1, 2012 · 3 comments

in a day in the life, music, Pop Culture, random musings

there are a whole mess of disconnected thoughts currently floating about my head right now so this post might be a bit all over the place.

i feel as if lately i have just been taking snapshots. grasping desperately to hold on to the moments. as i sit surrounded by my favorite people, i glance around and see happiness. inside jokes. busting chops. uncontrollable laughter. i want the moments to last just a little bit longer.

i rather fell in love with this entire weekend. it was full of outings to the bars and obsessive discussions about my borderline inappropriate addiction to a certain british boy band. insightful conversations abound and i was able to catch up with dear friends that i hadn’t seen in far too long. there was also the incident of the brunch that changed my life and the mostly successful flying of the kites (cinderella tried to make a break for it and ended up in a lake. don’t worry a rather charming dog saved her! but sadly she will never fly again). And to top it all off there was an epic strobe light dance party in a friend’s living room and also the joy of seeing my favorite human live in concert tonight.

on a less than joyful note, i have been having some issues with the jealousy lately. and ya know what, jealousy certainly does not look good on me. i hate to admit just how often i am overcome by the stupid beast. and i know, oh how i know the root of this green monster’s evil, but i can’t seem to shake it. i guess if there is anything jealousy is good at it is playing to my biggest insecurities. cheap shot, i say.

finally, there are two songs i cannot seem to get enough of these days on account of their overwhelming beauty.

and,

but also, i haven’t been able to stop listening to this song because, well, oh ya know…

this day was written and directed by the sads. but don’t worry, it was produced by hyperbole.

by ameena on February 14, 2012 · 1 comment

in plight of the twenty-something, real talk

Today was a particularly awful day. One of those no-good, dirty-rotten, can I please have a do-over sort of days. A day I would have much rather spent in bed buried under the covers not thinking about all of the things threatening to break me. Today the Sads were in the director’s chair.

Blast those pesky sads!

But before I tell you all about this rotten day I feel I ought to inform you that it had absolutely nothing to do with today being Valentine’s Day. Except that maybe I was made all the more sad that the Sads were ruining it. Because did you know I rather like Valentine’s Day? I mean, what is there to hate about a day all about loooove??

In fact, it dawned on me earlier today that of my twenty-three Valentine’s Days, I have been single for twenty-two of them. And the one year I was actually in a relationship during Valentine’s Day, I wrote an embarrassingly angry post all about how much I loathed the holiday. It was entirely unbecoming of a romantic like myself. And I did it all because my boyfriend at the time didn’t possess a single romantic bone in his body and I was so afraid of being disappointed that I convinced myself that the holiday was dumb. The tragedy!

Where was I?

Oh, right.

The Sads.

Except this isn’t even really a post about the Sads. And it definitely isn’t a post about Valentine’s Day. I’m not entirely sure what kind of post it is. I think maybe it is a post about hope.

This afternoon as I was sitting at work trying with all of my might to quell the incoming tears, my coworker smiled at me. I don’t think he had any clue of the turmoil going on inside my head, but it was the exact right kind of smile at the exact right kind of moment and suddenly I found that all of my overwhelming sadness seemed like a manageable burden to bear.

In an instant I felt the fog begin to lift. I was suddenly able to think much clearer and face my sadness full on. I finally realized that for months my frequent run-ins with the Sads have pretty much all been sparked by the same things. And while I am far too afraid to write about these things today, I’m really happy to have fully acknowledged them. I mean, how can I ever be expected to come up with awesome solutions if I never even knew the problem?

I think what this whole rambling, overly dramatic post is trying to say is that even though it might take only one sentence to throw me in to the Sads, it also just takes a simple smile to help me back out.

It’s rather nice to remember that.

overboard

by ameena on February 12, 2012

in plight of the twenty-something, real talk

It is a never ending curiosity unto me how it sometimes only takes one seemingly innocent sentence to toss me head over heels in to the tumultuous waters of the sads. It just seems too easy that my mind can go from obsessively tracking all my reasons to smile to instead obsessively tracking all of the reasons I should probably not cry in public. Once I have been thrown overboard, I find that I am always on the verge of tears, I slowly begin to push people away, my bed once again becomes my dearest friend, and I stop doing the thing I am supposed to be doing. And all it took was one sentence.

It’s never really about the sentence, though (that would be far too obvious, and I am much too complex of a lady for such nonsense). The sentence is just the trigger. It exposes the insecurities and uncertainties that are hiding beneath the surface. I always have to remind myself that the utterer of the phrase had no idea that his or her actions launched such turmoil upon my soul. That I was already showing warning signs for weeks prior to the comment. That if it hadn’t been that comment, it would have been another.

So this week when someone told me that I was being passive agressive for telling them I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life I tried with all of my might to not take it too personally. I tried to convince myself that his incessant questions regarding my future plans were in no way questioning my intelligence or success as a human being. I tried to remind myself that I already know it is okay to not know, and that he didn’t really mean anything by his comment.

But it was too late. So overboard I went.

whine whine whine blah

by ameena on December 29, 2011 · 3 comments

in plight of the twenty-something, real talk

I shouldn’t be allowed to spend too much time by myself. Too much alone time means too much thinking time and too much thinking time means I never get anything done because all I can think about are all of the things I want to do and I feel overwhelmed and fear that I’ll never have enough time and then I suddenly find myself thinking very morbid things and I spiral in to a depressed heap and that’s when the headaches start and all I want to do is sleep forever and ever and watch 30 for 30 until all of the end of time.

Did my insane run-on sentence make you cringe? I just re-read it and I cringed a bit.

My apologies.

I’ve been feeling very off lately so naturally I have also been flirting with an identity crisis. But then again I am almost always flirting with an identity crisis of some sort. I’m such an identity crisis slut. I mean, what is with my overwhelming need to constantly pigeon-hole and define myself? What is that?

I found myself going through the blog archives on my old blog earlier today and I got really mad at myself. I miss how I used to write. It was so honest and simple. Free flowing. Unedited. Now I over-think the whole process entirely too much and sometimes just the anxiety of writing a post cripples me. I care too much what people think. There is also the fact that there are three things I really really need to write about but I know I never will be able to because I shouldn’t.

I think maybe I forgot the point of this silly post.

I’m going to go watch more 30 for 30.

the voices in my head and my inability to look you in the eye

by ameena on December 6, 2011 · 2 comments

in random musings

Somedays  I just really wish I could tell that annoying little voice in my head to stop talking. While I am busy telling it to shut it, I would also mention that it has the kind of voice that induces pure anxiety in to every corner of my being. And also that I hate how good it is at making me question everything and feel so vulnerable when I am just trying to be myself.

Basically, I am really really mad at that voice for the things it has been whispering today. You see I thought that Olivia and I were dang funny for our Night Before Christmas party invitation and now I have worked myself in to such a state of anxiety I don’t even know how I am going to plan an entire holiday cocktail party.

In completely unrelated news: I noticed recently that when I am feeling particularly vulnerable and/or self-conscious that I get extra terrible at eye contact. I mean, I’ve never been the best at eye contact. It makes me crazy uncomfortable. Sometimes I try to force myself to be amazing at eye contact and then I totally freak out the person I am talking to and kind of miss half of what they were saying because I am so busy telling myself to look in to their eyes. When I’m not forcing myself to be good at eye contact I usually just focus on a point somewhere slightly above their eyes or I find myself constantly looking down and I always want to tell people that it really is nothing personal and that I am in fact paying attention but I don’t really ever want to talk about my bad eye contact skills. Because that’s weird, ya know?

This has made being a server very difficult. I find that I am usually better at eye contact with male customers than females. But then I always panic that the women will notice and hate me for paying more attention to their boyfriends or whatever so I try to compensate and do my freaky stare deep in to their souls maneuver which just doesn’t work out for anybody. Oh hey, have I ever mentioned that I am way too awkward to be a server? Because I totally am.

And these are the things keeping me up at 3 am.

because it would be cool (aka the one where i kind of lose my shit and kindly request that you tell me what to do)

by ameena on October 19, 2011 · 11 comments

in a day in the life, disney adventures, plight of the twenty-something

This morning was pretty spectacular. Not only did I wake up early enough to actually make and enjoy breakfast like a real adult, I also found out that I no longer have to take summer classes in order to complete my degree. This means I officially graduate this spring. Eeeep! I mean, it only took me five years, but as of May 2012 I will finally have a Bachelor of Arts (don’t ask) in Biology.

That’s right, I am the ultimate badass.

!!!

I was so overly ecstatic that I immediately texted, called, and tweeted pretty much everyone I know. I greedily commandeered my conversations in to I HAVE THE BEST NEWS territory. I happy danced. I smiled from ear to ear. I wanted to open mouth kiss everyone. Phampants suggested I instead kiss a squirrel, I think to avoid lawsuits. I worried about rabies. I decided dancing was enough.

Oh what a glorious morning!

But then,

slowly

gradually

morning turned in to afternoon and with it my ecstasy turned in to sheer panic. Because, you see, I have spent the past four and a half years refusing to give legitimate thought to what happens next.

YOU GUYS I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN NEXT.

Whenever I am in doubt there is always one place and one place alone I turn to for answers – Disney.

The next thing I knew I was tumbling down the Disney Careers rabbit hole and positively drooling over the sheer amazingness of their science internships. It was around the time that I was researching local zoo internships that I realized that “It would be cool.” is probably not a sufficient enough essay response or reason to be pursuing a career I hadn’t given much thought to prior to today.

I spent so much of my college career insisting that there was “no rush” when it came to determining what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. It is how I ended up on this here five year plan because I couldn’t decide on a major. I didn’t want to rush in to such a big decision!  There was even a time when I was convinced I would be an English/History/Business/Biology/PoliticalScience/Music major. I wanted it all.

Perhaps it isn’t that I lack a clear vision for my future, okay okay, the reason I lack a clear vision of my future is that it is clouded by the fact that I want to do All of the Things.

The truth is I have absolutely no idea where my biology degree will take me. I always just hoped that my overwhelming love and admiration for my field would cause everything else to fall in to place. But instead it has had quite the opposite effect. I am so in love with every aspect, I just want to do it all.

I want to use my biology degree to continue to fight the evils of cancer and learn more about the fascinating world of disease. I want to spread the joy and wonderment that is zoology and marine biology. I want to save lives as an EMT and eventually as a physician’s assistant. I want to celebrate evolutionary genetics and the mechanisms of the cell. I want to solve criminal mysteries and neurological mysteries. I want to work for the CDC and DisneyWorld and Boston University and and all. of. it.

I was talking to a friend today about my uncertainty concerning the future and he mentioned a paper he recently read in which a researcher unveiled that most of the jobs students obtained directly after college ended up being completely different from their eventual careers. Clearly I interpreted this to mean I can do whatever the fuck I want.

Maybe I will just leap in to DisneyWorld’s Animal Kingdom or a research lab somewhere in Boston or even an EMT course. After all, I still have one more semester to figure it out, right?

…

Right?!

← Previous Entries