he’s just not that in to you

i am okay, y’all

by ameena on December 30, 2011 · 3 comments

in matters of the heart, real talk, reasons to smile

My ex broke up with his girlfriend.

You know, the one he left me for. Twice. The same ex that took me over nine months to finally “get over”. Yeahhh, that ex. That girlfriend. Upon hearing this I was really surprised at how unaffected I was by the news. I mean, this is a moment that I spent many a month dreaming about. Praying for even. I always thought I would be happy. Jump up and down. I’d be all, “High fives for everyone!” Everything would feel right in the universe. But instead I just felt sad for them. Not sad sad, but rather the kind of sad you feel whenever you hear about a breakup. That’s a really great feeling, you know – realizing just how far you’ve come.

Sure, I haven’t been in a relationship since this last one ended. And yeah, I still feel lonely more often than I sometimes like to admit. But I really feel like I have started to figure my shit out. That relationship was stunting my emotional and mental growth and it wasn’t until I was out of it that I learned exactly how to become my own person. A person that I am very proud of most days. A person I never would have known had I stayed in that relationship. But also someone who couldn’t exist had it never happened. I really like that I can appreciate that and not get upset. These are good feelings. After wishing it for so long - I am okay.

And that’s really why I almost didn’t write this post. Because sometimes it feels silly to write about nothing. But then this probably isn’t really nothing after all. (In fact, it’s a really big something. YOU GUYS I AM OKAY.)

The only annoying part about the whole thing is that I have already had at least four people make the too easy (in my opinion) joke asking if I had called him yet/did he spend the night/when were we getting back together. Oh, hahaha, those friends of mine – always the jokesters.

(My answers: no, no and hell no.)
(just in case you were worried.) 

the worst kind of house guest

by ameena on November 29, 2011 · 2 comments

in real talk

I have to tell you something. I’ve been trying to figure out how to say it for a couple of days now but I can’t seem to find the words. Type type type. Delete delete delete. So I’m just going to say it – I’m sad. Really sad. Secretly sad.

Every so often I am overcome with a debilitating wave of sadness. Except it isn’t really like any wave I have ever seen. This isn’t a sadness that washes over me and then is gone the way it came. This sadness mostly creeps. I feel it start in my chest and steadily spread it’s way through my body and limbs. Once it has finished creeping, it usually settles down to stay for quite some time. Far longer than any sadness ought to be allowed to visit, if you ask me. But sadness has never really been the most welcome of house guests.

While I haven’t been completely engulfed in the sadness yet, I can already feel it spreading in my chest. The all too familiar feeling. Slowly creeping. Over the course of the weekend I have watched helplessly as all the energy and enthusiasm is drained from me. This particular sadness is one that prefers to remain under the surface, making itself known only in my solitude. But soon enough it will begin to show itself as it craves the attention of center stage. I’ve already started spending far too much of my time in bed eating chocolate, you know, just as a precautionary measure. But also, what else can one do?

Since I know that I am incapable of fighting the sadness at the moment, I have been trying to figuring it out. But I can’t seem to do it. I suspect maybe my recent sickness and some pre-finals anxiety with a dash of loneliness. Maybe sprinkle in some unhealthy jealousies and a slice of uncertainty and we just might be on to something. And because we’re being honest, I say we just heap on a whole lotta loneliness. Oh wait, now we’re on to something.

I know that it will soon pass, just as it always does, but I still hate it. I hate that it has no clear reason to be here. I hate that I tried so hard to keep it out and I still lost. And I really hate that it had to arrive just in time for finals. That’s another thing about the sadness, it never warns you regarding its arrival.

Terrible house guest, indeed.

something in the water

by ameena on August 12, 2011 · 1 comment

in music

I want an excuse to sing this song:

or actually I just want this:

Dear Darren Criss,

I’ll wear the dress if you wear the tie.

Love sincerely,

Ameena

i blame justin long

by ameena on July 5, 2011 · 1 comment

in favorite posts, matters of the heart

We sit quietly in the darkness as the credits begin to roll up the television screen. I turn to look at him, painfully aware of the awkward space between us on the couch. I had spent half the movie contemplating whether or not I should close the gap, convincing myself that if he wanted it closed he would make the move, wondering if maybe he was waiting for me to move closer to him, and then starting the whole cycle over again.

Finally he speaks, “You were right, I definitely loved that movie.”

I breathe an inaudible sigh of relief. When I wasn’t agonizing over the space between us on the couch, I was stressing myself out over whether or not he was enjoying the film. I realize that I am a mess.

We lock eyes briefly before I sheepishly avoid his gaze. I laugh nervously and make an innocuous joke. My nerves suddenly feel as if they are about to suffocate me.

I finally begin loosening up as we settle in to our familiar banter that is so typical of our sarcastic personalities. I can’t help but wonder if there is something flirtatious about our conversation, but I quickly remind myself not to read too deeply in to things.

I lament the fact that my chronic He’s Just Not That in to You  syndrome is flaring up once more. Even though it is one of my favorites, I probably never should have seen that movie. That movie has most likely ruined my dating life. It taught me that I am the rule not the exception and that if a guy were really in to me as much as I was in to him, he would have made it known to me by now. Basically, it has made me lazy and given me an excuse to be even more shy.

Eventually our conversation trails off as we run out of things to say. I glance at my phone to check the time. 12:38.

I look up at him suddenly already aware of what happens next. I’ve seen this all before.

“Well, I think I should be going,” he says, “This was really great.”

I watch helplessly as he slowly puts his shoes back on and then makes his way across the room. I fight the urge to yell after him. I want desperately to tell him not to go, but I get too nervous and convince myself once more that it is for the best that we are just friends.

So instead I get up and make my way toward that doorway where hopes and dreams and schoolgirl crushes go to die.

We say our awkward goodbyes and I shut the door behind him. In an instant I find myself alone once more.

I stand staring at the door in silence.

Inside – I am screaming.