blogging about blogging

state of the blog-ion

by ameena on March 17, 2013

in 2013, blogging about blogging, real talk

This weekend I had some real talk with myself over this whole blogging situation. When I made it my one and only New Year’s Resolution to blog every day in 2013 I didn’t really give myself a whole lot of parameters on what I wanted that to look like – other than, you know, blogging every day. We are now 76 days (?!) in to this year two thousand and thirteen, and I am already very pleased with my goal so far. These past two and a half months have been so good for my creativity.

But I feel it is time to kick it up a notch.

These first few months of 2013 have largely been about finding myself – not only on this blog but in all aspects of my life. I was at one of the lowest points in my life when the clock struck midnight 76 days ago, and I have spent the time since then focusing on rediscovering my center. Now that I am finally in a good place, it is time to start dreaming big once more.

As far as this here blog goes, that means digging deeper. I fear I have gotten rather lazy with my writing these days and I don’t like it. I know I am capable of so much more but there is a wall of fear in my way. I am holding myself back and I don’t know why, but I am determined to figure it out.

So I spent this weekend at the drawing board. And this post is a promise to myself to keep digging.

five thoughts and a thank you

by ameena on February 17, 2013 · 2 comments

in random musings

// When I was in high school I went on this massive Fall Out Boy bender in which I listened to their Infinity on High album for three months straight. I have never once listened to any of their other albums, but for whatever reason I love the shit out of that one. This is why I have concluded that nostalgia is the reason I cannot get enough of their new song. That and 2 Chainz. The heart wants what it wants, ya know?

// Whenever I order something at a restaurant I feel like I always immediately have remorse. It’s like no matter what I order I spend the rest of my meal wishing I had ordered something else. Do you do this? It’s the worst. I’m not sure what this says about me, but I know it says something.

// Currently I am in the process of making plans to run my first MARATHON by the end of this year. I mean, I just don’t even know what to do with that information. I am at a point in my running career where I know I can do it, but then if I think about it too much my brain is all like, “TWENTY SIX POINT TWO MILES IS TOO MANY MILES. DOES NOT COMPUTE.”  So I try not to think about it too much.  Speaking of running, a year ago today I ran my second half marathon in Austin! Holy shit how time flies.

// I don’t know how it happened, but I have developed the most annoying habit of adding “you know?” to the end of my sentences. It is driving me so crazy that I am now accepting applications for someone to slap me every time I say it. I’ll even give you permission to dump water on my head if I use it during a job interview.

// I feel like this week I have earned a lot of compliments on this silly blog of mine and I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you. It truly means the world to me that people are willing to read whatever ridiculous thoughts fly through my head and your kind words have completely made my week. So, Thank You!

pooping rainbows

by ameena on September 25, 2012 · 1 comment

in blogging about blogging

Did I ever tell you I was invited to be a contributing writer for Pooping Rainbows? Well, I was and I am ever so excited for the opportunity. On the 25th of every month you can find me writing for the sake of writing over on Peter DeWolf‘s brilliant brain child of a website. I am honored to be in the company of so many talented writers and I hope you enjoy reading along.

My very first post just went live and it was quite the anxiety filled process working up the nerve to write it. I want to use this opportunity to push myself creatively and try new things with my writing and while it is always uncomfortable to go outside of my comfort zone I am really proud of the result.

And now, if you’ll excuse me, I am going to go take a million deep breaths because eeeeep.

on giving up and learning to forgive myself

by ameena on May 10, 2012 · 7 comments

in plight of the twenty-something, real talk

A little over a month ago I gave up. Straight up quit everything. I was all, “See you later all of the amazing changes that have been making me feel great! I’m gonna go feel like shit instead!” And I quit. I said goodbye to my healthy eating habits and my half-marathon training schedule. I abandoned my goals for 2012 and promptly forgot about my you-are-moving-to-Florida-so-be-responsible-with-your-money budget. I chose sleeping in over going to class and to top it all off I decided to start drinking again.

I became really great at spending a lot of time in bed and hating myself. In fact, “I felt like shit” doesn’t even begin to adequately describe how terrible I felt. I was just so angry and frustrated with my inability to do the things that made me feel so good. If you didn’t know, I’m really great at the self-loathing guilt trip.

One day I decided my pity party needed some company so I called my mom. I tried my hardest to keep myself composed but I think it took all of ten seconds before I started crying. We’re talking major ugly tears, snot all over my face, fucking bawling. And I just sprung it on her out of nowhere! Luckily, that mother of mine is a treasure because she was able to promptly talk me down from the ledge. Two hours later I found myself taking a crafternoon and watching Friends – guilt free. Clearly, it was time for the baby steps.

And that’s when I realized it was okay to quit. I gave myself permission to put the Joy Equation on hold and to eat whatever the hell I felt like. I told myself it was time to take a break from writing and that if I didn’t make it out for a run every single day it would be okay. I promised myself I would not allow any of the guilty feelings for giving up because I also promised myself it would all be temporary.

You see, I was trying to change so much all at once and it was starting to do things to my brain. And on top of that I was stuck in the middle of a particularly challenging semester and trying to focus on graduating. So I chose one thing and prioritized it.

Earning my college degree seemed like a good place to start. I refused to let myself feel any guilt for the millions of late-night peanut butter cups consumed or the fact that I wasn’t running as regularly as I should have been. I did whatever it took to get myself through one final semester. I still felt like shit. But it seemed more bearable because I had eliminated the guilt.

Except there was one tiny, little problem I hadn’t really foreseen. My temporary solution was exactly that – a quick sweep under the rug. Because all of this is exactly how I found myself on the night of graduation standing in the middle of my messy, neglected room, slightly intoxicated, less than eight hours from my flight to San Francisco, and freaking the fuck out. The thing about sweeping your anxiety under the rug until after finals are over is that as soon you are done the anxiety is kind of still there waiting for you. Suddenly, the thought of getting on an airplane and running 13.1 miles was the actual most overwhelming thing in the world and I realized I just couldn’t do it.

While I am so sad that I missed the opportunity to meet some new blogger friends and catch up with others in San Francisco this past weekend, I know that I made the right choice by staying home. I was also reminded of the overwhelming kindness and generosity of you mighty fine people of the internet. Seriously, thank you.

I am really so grateful for this week as an opportunity to focus on settling back in to my old routine. Baby steps are nice.

{image found here}

let me tell you a little story

by ameena on April 4, 2012 · 6 comments

in half-baked ideas

Nicole came up with yet another brilliant idea so of course I had to join in the fun. You know, just because I know you are dying to hear my sexy voice. Perhaps maybe voice acting is my new calling? That is, if I can keep my speech from coming at the world at ninety million miles per hour.

I decided to go with my post on All the Reasons I Love the Ballet and New Insight in to Why I’ll Never Find Prince Charming which was originally published in October of 2011.

Enjoy!

I had to record this several times because I kept talking wayyy too fast. My gift and my curse.

Also, if you are reading this on the ol’ faithful google reader, you’ll have to click through because for some reason the sound file doesn’t show. Oh google…

riddikulus

by ameena on February 17, 2012 · 2 comments

in plight of the twenty-something, real talk

There always comes a point in the midst of the sads in which I finally stop and look at myself. I mean really look at myself. And I laugh. I laugh because at that point what else is there to do but accept how utterly and entirely ridiculous it all is. More specifically, I laugh at how completely ridiculous I have been behaving. Naturally this week was no exception for the laughter because boy was I being ri-dic-u-lous this week, you guys.

Now I am in no way saying that I shouldn’t have been sad, or that my sadness wasn’t in some ways justified, but there was definitely a point in which my sadness evolved in to wallowing. And because I have always had a tendency toward exaggeration, when I wallow – I really wallow. My love of the theatrics has taught me to embrace whatever emotion I am feeling with all of my heart and as a result I can sometimes lose perspective. I forget that things are maybe not as bad as they seem and that perhaps I shouldn’t be taking it all so darn seriously. So I laugh as a reminder. Because if Dumbledore ever taught me anything it is that, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.”

So I finally turned on the light and saw the ladder that was waiting to carry me out of the hole and now I just want to say thank you. Thank you for your kind words and support because they were my first glimmers of light. And also thank you for indulging me while I unabashedly displayed my tendency toward theatrics. To be honest, I have actually been really embarrassed by my last post and I even thought about deleting it because I felt like such a baby, but this is my blog and what kind of space would it be if it weren’t an honest reflection of what I felt in the moment? So I decided to keep it. But I also want you to know I understand just how ridiculous it is.

And now because it has been far too long since I last did this. Here are my Reasons to Smile:

:: I survived my first round of midterms! And I think I did pretty amazing on them. Looks like I will be graduating this semester after all (still crossing my fingers and toes because even though I am a mostly good student, I have this weird feeling this will be the first semester I actually fail a class).
:: Completely rearranging my room. It’s the little things, really.
:: The fact that I will be in Austin, TX in less than 36 hours. I’m so excited to be spending the weekend with some of my favorite bloggers. And also running my SECOND half-marathon. Eeeep!
:: Complaining about The Walking Dead. I really really love to hate this show, you guys.
:: Happy Endings, Up All Night, and Modern Family. If you aren’t watching these shows, you’re doing it wrong. “It” being life. Also, someone please explain to me how I have time for all of the tv I watch.

this day was written and directed by the sads. but don’t worry, it was produced by hyperbole.

by ameena on February 14, 2012 · 1 comment

in plight of the twenty-something, real talk

Today was a particularly awful day. One of those no-good, dirty-rotten, can I please have a do-over sort of days. A day I would have much rather spent in bed buried under the covers not thinking about all of the things threatening to break me. Today the Sads were in the director’s chair.

Blast those pesky sads!

But before I tell you all about this rotten day I feel I ought to inform you that it had absolutely nothing to do with today being Valentine’s Day. Except that maybe I was made all the more sad that the Sads were ruining it. Because did you know I rather like Valentine’s Day? I mean, what is there to hate about a day all about loooove??

In fact, it dawned on me earlier today that of my twenty-three Valentine’s Days, I have been single for twenty-two of them. And the one year I was actually in a relationship during Valentine’s Day, I wrote an embarrassingly angry post all about how much I loathed the holiday. It was entirely unbecoming of a romantic like myself. And I did it all because my boyfriend at the time didn’t possess a single romantic bone in his body and I was so afraid of being disappointed that I convinced myself that the holiday was dumb. The tragedy!

Where was I?

Oh, right.

The Sads.

Except this isn’t even really a post about the Sads. And it definitely isn’t a post about Valentine’s Day. I’m not entirely sure what kind of post it is. I think maybe it is a post about hope.

This afternoon as I was sitting at work trying with all of my might to quell the incoming tears, my coworker smiled at me. I don’t think he had any clue of the turmoil going on inside my head, but it was the exact right kind of smile at the exact right kind of moment and suddenly I found that all of my overwhelming sadness seemed like a manageable burden to bear.

In an instant I felt the fog begin to lift. I was suddenly able to think much clearer and face my sadness full on. I finally realized that for months my frequent run-ins with the Sads have pretty much all been sparked by the same things. And while I am far too afraid to write about these things today, I’m really happy to have fully acknowledged them. I mean, how can I ever be expected to come up with awesome solutions if I never even knew the problem?

I think what this whole rambling, overly dramatic post is trying to say is that even though it might take only one sentence to throw me in to the Sads, it also just takes a simple smile to help me back out.

It’s rather nice to remember that.

bloggers in sin city the sequel

by ameena on January 17, 2012 · 5 comments

in bloggers in sin city, blogging about blogging

image courtesy of Kelly

It was about this time last year that I emerged out from under my rock and discovered all of the amazing that the internet has to offer. Or, more specifically, the blogs of the cool kids. While obsessively stalking reading about the exciting lives of others from the creepy darkness of my bedroom, I happened upon an exciting event called Bloggers in Sin City. It was love at first sight. Deep down in my gut, I knew that come May 2011 Vegas was where I needed to be. But me being me, and in spite of all of the awesome staring me right in the face, I couldn’t get myself to sign up just yet. For about a month I agonized on whether or not I should go. All of my social anxieties seemed to present themselves at once. The self-doubt. The shyness. My fear of crowds. My general discomfort around strangers. Worries that no one would like me.

But even as I curled up in to an anxious heap – I couldn’t let the thought go. Finally I said to myself, “Self, May is going to come whether you like it or not. And you can either a.) spend it watching from the creepy darkness of your bedroom as people tweet and blog about all the awesome that is BiSC OR b.) you can sign up for the time of your life and actually be one of the people tweeting about it.”

And I am so happy to report that I listened to myself and signed up, because May 2011 did in fact come and to say that BiSC changed my life doesn’t even begin to do justice to the magic of that weekend. I yearn for it always.

Which made it all the more surprising that as of 72 hours ago I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to make it for BiSC 2012. This time the reasons were entirely different and sadly all too adult: mostly having to do with money, summer class conflicts, uncertainty about my future, and some seriously messed up priorities thrown in. So once again I found myself having a peptalk…with myself.

“Self, what is your phrase for 2012? WHAT IS IT? That’s right – we are young. And newsflash sugarplum, two weeks in to 2012 and you are still young. Now go read your recap from 2011 and try to say you won’t hate yourself if you are not in Vegas come May.”

Oh self, you are so wise sometimes. Once I had some sense knocked in to me, I then proceded to spend the next twenty-four hours legitimately re-prioritizing my life so that I could make it again for round two. YOU GUYS THERE IS GOING TO BE A PART TWO!

And this year is sure to be a kajillion times more glorious. I mean LOOK AT THIS AGENDA.

And don’t even get me started on the fact that it is sponsored by Paper’d. The incredible iPhone App full of the prettiest wallpapers designed by the enviously talented Jamie. Not only is Paper’d pretty but they are generous, too! They’re offering to reimburse one lucky attendee’s registration fee! PICK ME PICK ME.

So, you know, if you want to join in on all of the fun May 17-20 you should sign up RIGHT THIS INSTANT because spots are flying. And then we can have all the fun and do all of the tweeting and you can be part of THE booze-guitar rock band and have the best time forever and ever amen.

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