I haven’t been very honest with you lately. There is a truth I have been keeping mostly to myself on account of I am rather embarrassed by the thing. You see, I’ve been feeling completely stuck and up until recently it has been making me entirely miserable. I have been spending pretty much all day, every day, at the most magical place on earth and mostly I have just been upset. So there it is all at once – my truth. Oh, I know it sounds absurd, but it is my truth and my burden to bear.
Ever since my truth first appeared, I have been beating myself up over it. How could I possibly be so upset when I am surrounded by happiness in every direction? At first I tried to blame my overly emotional nature and the possibility that my grief is just homesickness in a clever disguise. Yet whenever I finally have the courage to look at my truth full on, it doesn’t remotely resemble homesickness. Sometimes I get so overwhelmed with my truth that I try to tell myself to just suck it up and get through the next four months.
Yet here is the thing, I can try to blame my misery on my overly emotional nature or tell myself to suck it up all I want, but my truth is my truth and telling myself I am just being overly emotional doesn’t make my truth any less true. Plus sucking it up and getting through it doesn’t sound even remotely appealing, right? What I need to do instead is look at it full in the face and figure out just what I am going to do with the thing.
So the truth, I feel so very stuck. Pretty much before I even arrived in Florida I have been worried that when I am all done with this internship, I will be no closer to figuring out what is supposed to happen next and the very thought makes me feel all claustrophobic-like. As a recent college grad and a girl with a head full of big dreams, I feel as if I ought to be constantly striving toward big things in order to get the most out of my time.
It wasn’t until earlier this week that I finally realized just how exhausting the previous paragraph sounds. Try living in my head for just one day, folks.
And just like that I finally accepted that, hey, it’s okay to feel stuck sometimes. In fact, there is so much beauty to find in the stuckness of it all.
So with that I have a couple of promises to make:
I promise to stop my gaze from wandering too far in to the future and instead focus on the present.
I promise to enjoy the ever-loving eff out of my time here at Disney.
I promise to invest in my happiness and myself by cultivating positive lifestyle habits.
I promise to make more honest use of my time.
For the first time since I was in high school I have found myself with actual free time and it is the most curious feeling. Instead of freaking out that I am wasting my time, I want to use this time to finally try all those recipes I have been eyeing and experimenting with my photography & drawing and getting caught up on my book & movie lists that currently sit at approximately one mile long each. With making more time for the things that I love, I want to also focus on cutting out all the things I secretly hate. I have been doing a lot of reflecting lately and it’s the craziness to me how much of my time is devoted to pursuing things I don’t particularly care for – mostly because they are either things I think I should like.
Just because I feel stuck, it doesn’t mean I have to be stuck everywhere.
And for now that’s enough.
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