Periods of transition are a curious thing to me. Even though I still have about three weeks before I move away from the only place I have ever called home, I can feel myself beginning to check out. The pulls of adventure are entirely too enticing and making it rather difficult for me to remain present in the moment despite my best efforts. Perhaps it is because I know I am leaving soon, but I have never felt more ready to get out of Utah. The desperate desire to leave weeks before I actually depart has left me in this weird sort of limbo – not only physically but emotionally as well.
My emotional upheaval has mostly manifested itself in my writing. I have basically spent the past two weeks staring at a blank, white screen while that little black cursor flashes at me mockingly.
Previous run-ins with writer’s block have taught me that the only way out is through, so here are some entirely unfiltered and disconnected thoughts to get those proverbial brain hamsters going.
Not-At-All Important Thoughts
1. I am currently attempting to read six books in less than three weeks. You see, it has been a while since I have had time to read for pleasure so when I found myself with some free time last Sunday I booked it to the library and got a little too excited in the process. I’ll keep you updated. In the meantime, pray for me. Or maybe just my eyes. They might fall out.
2. Did you know HTML and CSS are all sorts of fun? I discovered this earlier this summer while taking one of the final classes for my undergraduate degree. Ever since that course, I have been itching to dive in to the design of my blog and now that I have the capabilities to do so I am just downright giddy. Related: if my blog epically crashes in the coming weeks we will know why.
3. Speaking of this silly blog, have you seen my new header designed by the lovely ladies at Shatterboxx?? You should totes check it out if you haven’t already. Who knew I would find true love in the form of a blog header?
4. Self-doubt is a bitch. When I finally said my big, sexy dream out loud I was left with a big, sexy, I-can-fucking-rock-this high. Well, that is until self-doubt showed up to the party and sobered me up right quick. Suddenly my inner critic was all, “what makes you think you can write?” “Do you know how many people say they want to write?” “Why would anyone care what you have to say?” “Are you really going to post that?” Which is to say I’ve been really super sad for the majority of the past week as self-doubt has launched her assault. But you know what I have to say to you self-doubt? Fuck you, no one cares what YOU have to say! Or whatever.
4. I had an excuse for why I didn’t post trailers last friday but I promptly forgot it. Which probably means I never had an excuse. I apologize. But now I have some epicness to share with you tomorrow. Oh boy do I.
5. Sunday night is my last shift at my job. I’ve worked for that crazy restaurant for the past two and a half years. It taught me to enjoy beer, it did. I’m sad to be saying goodbye. Have I mentioned yet that I am terrible at goodbyes? I have basically spent the past two weeks considering getting my final shift covered so I won’t have to say goodbye to anyone. I’ll just like disappear in to the sunset or something. Maybe that’s how I’ll leave the state, too. I could probably get my goodbye party covered, right? Plan B is hiding in the bathroom when people are leaving. Again, I’ll keep you updated.
6. My favorite way to summarize my life lately is to tell people that I have been a hot mess. I am still unable to articulate what I mean beyond that, all I know is that it is the most accurate depiction I can come up with. Limbo is entirely unbecoming on me.
7. I have really been feeling like it is time to go back to The Island lately. I need Benjamin Linus back in my life. WE HAVE TO GO BACK, KATE. WE HAVE TO GO BACK.
8. 90% of my time is still spent discussing the Olympic condoms with anyone who will indulge me. Let’s never stop talking about this ridiculous piece of information, mmk?
9. The perfectionist in me is incredibly upset right now that I cannot come up with ten things so that this is a complete list.
10. I found this quote today and I am entirely in love with it, although I’m still trying to figure it out completely:
That I spent, that I had; that I gave, that I have;
that I left, that I lost.
- Robert Byrkes, A.D. 1579
I’m feeling better already.
[Update] After hitting publish I totally just realized I have two number fours. So ya know, now there’s that. Good thing I have that science degree, amiright?